So... where am I at now...? Well before I answer that, let me fill in a few holes. First, my ex-girlfriend was significantly younger than me. She is 22, soon to be 23 and our relationship was very much a whirlwind romance so to speak. Now, I generally don't fall so hard on short term relationships but as I already stated we got to know one another over a year period and I became quite attracted to her and she had many needs that I couldn't meet. In fact, being with her brought out issues in me that I hadn't dealt with in twenty years. Now, I'm not one for looking back at the past and dredging up old dead stuff, but I do have a tender spot in my heart when I see someone else suffer in areas that I have suffered in. I don't want to see anyone suffer ever, but there is a very special place in my heart for certain types of suffering.
Another thing I'd like to point out is the whole time the Lord was blessing me with a great job, a new car, a great new apartment, and obviously a very beautiful young girlfriend both inside and out I had been moving farther and farther away from Him. Now, at first it started off by me not tithing as much at church which made me feel slightly guilty, especially since I was making a whole lot more money. So, my answer to that was to stop going to church. Then, I felt guilty about that so I stopped praying to God, except when I needed something from Him. Now to the average reader this may sound like a big guilt trip, but it is far from that. God has been my best friend and has always been there for me, which may sound all flowery and sweet to someone who may not know me but if you knew me you would know I am far from sweet, flowery, and sugary... most of my young life was sad and rotten for a child and young adult. I had to learn to grow up very young to survive. God was all I had and He never left me in those moments when there was nothing between me and death but Him. God is very real to me; He is as real to me as my mother, my father, and my sister. I speak to Him and I feel His presence. I also feel the lack of His presence when I've strayed from Him, which is where I have gone this past year and half. I have strayed very far from my Best Friend, my Wonderful Counselor and I am trying to make my way back to Him... His Word says that if I search for Him with all my heart, soul, and strength I will find Him... and if I move toward Him, He will move toward me. I believe that. You see He made the first move to save me in the beginning, but then I forsook Him and moved away... now I need to move back toward Him again. So... what happened after we broke up? (that is the ex-girlfriend and I..., just to clarify, I have a tendancy to go off in different directions without notice) I started having some panic attacks. I went to my doctor who prescribed me a drug called colonopin to calm me down and within two days I was abusing the drug and within three days I was drinking on the pills and driving my car. I was arrested for DWI and thankfully there was no car accidents involved. I accept full responsibility for my foolish behavior and the repercussions that come with it. So... where am I at today? Most days, I am sad and depressed but... at the same time I am hopeful.
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